What the hell am I doing?!

Oh No! What is happening to me?

The last couple of weeks have been amazing. My first official week of dating three weeks ago, I got out and met two new people, Mr Orange and Mr Bear. Mr Orange for coffee on the Sarturday. On Sunday, the day after, I met Mr Bear, after lunch, Mr Orange invited me to the movies, so that was a full weekend for me. The second week, after suffering a cold Tuesday through to Thursday, I hung out again with Mr Orange, on Saturday, had a most wonderful date ever. Had lunch, went to an arcade, went bowling, then went for a walk up a nice place to see the waterfall at the end.

Then on Sunday afternoon, the next day, we watched a movie at my place. Before you ask, no, there was no touching, there were a few laughs at my dog, and at hanging a teddy bear from the ceiling fan, but that was all. So that is both days on the last two weekends, four dates over two weeks with Mr Orange. This weekend I am looking forward to hanging out with Mr Orange again. We are going on a small hike and possibly a swim at the waterfall that is in the middle of the trail. I feel like I am completely neglecting Mr Bear. I can’t beleive I already have a favourite… It hasnt even been a month since I began the dating game and joined Tinder (read about it here).

The reason I am writing today, is not to brag, it is this. What the hell am I doing?! My head has started to tell me to back off, and to make other plans, I feel I am freaking out. I dont want him to get tired of me, but I also want to spend time with Mr Orange as much as I can. I want get to know him and learn about all his quirks. I want to take him to all of the other arcades in the city. I want to check out the pool bar that he mentioned as it sounds wonderful and fun. I want to take him to one of the lakes that have a decent walking track.

Then I think, “what if he decides that he is not interested before I get to go to these places with him?” All of these thoughts are starting to freak me out creating the feeling of impatience. My whole purpose of dating was to meet new people, decide what I liked, what I didnt, and not fixate on any one man, so that if I or he decide that we weren’t compatible I wouldnt be so devistated. I dont think I am doing a very good job at it.

I have started to feel concious of the fact, that if I am too full on he will pull away, so I am holding myself back, but at the same time, I am not a patient person. This is one of my many flaws. I used to think I was patient, and I do have a bit of patience with some things, like children and my grandmother, but in some situations, I mostly just manage my impatience, like forcing myself to go to sleep on Christmas Eve so Santa would come faster.

That being said, I am now always looking forward to the weekends more than ever. I have been hoping that by Friday that I will have plans solid with Mr Orange, although I have only known him for a short time.

So my impatience and plus trying to get my head around the rules of the dating game are sort of driving me almost insane. Should I purposely make sure that I organise other activities so that I am not spending so much time with Mr Orange? Some websites say yes, make him miss you. But would he really? Or should I let what ever this is run its course and soak it up while I can?

I guess there is nothing wrong with having a favourite, but when my goals is to not fixate on any one man, and be single for a while, having a favourite may be a bit counterintuitive. I need to remind myself that I don’t want a relationship. Just now I imagined him asking me to be his girlfriend, and I freaked a little. No. Not right now. I am now appreciating going at the pace that we are going. Slow.

So now, when he messages me first, I get so excited. When he invites me to do something with him, I almost squeal (actually I do squeal, very highly pitched, loud and long, but I am not going to divulge that information). I can’t wait now to get home to message him, or begin thinking about the weekend and if he wants to do something together. It is weird how excited I got when he wrote “our hike” in the message. Sounds creepy out of context but that is all I will share of the message for fear of identifying the person. I also got excited when he wrote “we”. Such a small tiny thing, but if you know me personally, you would know why it affected me so positively.

At present I am freaking out, we are currently making plans for this weekend. AAAANND Now my weekend is booked out. Yes I was talking to Mr Orange while typing this. Not that I am complaining. I am actually very happy that I have been getting out of the house and doing things instead of just sitting around at home doing nothing. Of course I am doing all this with Mr Orange, and I have no idea what I am doing. I am having so much fun. And I can only assume that he is having a good time too as he is the one now that is somehow making plans with me. I think mostly I make the plans, but he throws in the suggestion, like going for a hike was his suggestion, although the activity is new to him, all I really had to do was decide where and when. Which is usally difficult, but it has been alot easier since dating him. At least he thought of the “What to do.” I guess that is a good thing.

I haven’t had to think too hard to make plans either. I mean, occasionally I am at a loss of what to do, but I throw some ideas out there, and then he will even throw out a couple of ideas, or pick one of the ideas that I have given, which is a lot better than saying no to all of them.

One of the things that I am confused about is how I will be so excited one day, and the next day I feel like I might be spending too much time with him and be like, “Should I make myself busy? So I don’t seem like I am just sitting around waiting for him to make plans?” It’s not because I need space or anything. I live in a big house. I have plenty of space to myself during the week.

Like I feel like I am wanting to play by the rules, and then I think “stuff the rules.” If anything, I don’t even really know what the rules are. All I know is that I don’t want to lose myself, or hurt anyone in the process of figuring all this out. So I guess right now, all I am going to do, is continue to have fun, be myself, and if I feel like hanging out with Mr Orange, and if he is free and wanting to hang out with me too, then I am all for it. I will enjoy being in the moment rather than worrying about what is coming. I feel when I worry about the future or even the past that I never enjoy the moment and sometimes lose the now.

Woah got a bit philosophical there. But it is true. If I keep worrying about what may happen, whether something more will come of this relationship or not, then I may find that I will get more hurt than I would get if Mr Orange felt the need to stop seeing me.

So, I will have fun while I can, and I will follow what feels right, not force anything and not worry about what may or may not happen as well as be myself and in the moment. That is the thing, I feel like I am being myself with him, it’s so easy, and different. Nice different.

One last thing, you know when you go on a date or meet someone for the first time and you are nervous as hell, then after you part, a couple of days later you think about the encounter and you remember something you said or did, and you regret it and think “Oh I shouldn’t have said/done that.” Or you remember something they said and you start reading too much into it? I am not getting that. I think it’s amazing! That is one of the things that has been exciting me about the whole experience so far.

Thanks for sitting through that. I hope it was somewhat enjoyable or relatable 😀

Jessi.M

xx

One thought on “What the hell am I doing?!”

  1. Honestly I don’t think there a really any set rules for dating to follow, every relationship is different, ya know? As long as you are both having fun and everyone is respectful to all parties involved then you do you. Of course this is coming from someone who has never really had a proper date in their life so… do with it as you will 🙂

    Like

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